Welcome to my web diary!

So, even with the massive gaps this is the longest I've ever kept a journal going. To be honest I think I have just been busy and tired lately, so I haven't wanted to write anything.

Firstly, merry Christmas! I hope anyone who happens to be reading this had a nice day, whatever the circumstances. I got some nice gifts: Chappell Roan hoodie, pajamas, jacket, Filofax, Stardew Valley Symphony tickets (February 2026!) and some other little bits and pieces that are of course Freddie Mercury related. Dinner was wonderful, P doesn't like turkey so we opted for beef wellington seeing as he had a voucher, and it was delicious. Unfortunately a flu? Cough sort of thing has been making the rounds - everyone has had it including me, and while I only have a cough here and there, P is suffering, and on Christmas too. Still, we have had a very nice time, and we must focus on what we are grateful for.

In terms of updates, I was accepted onto doing MA Linguistics with Open Uni, so I do that now... I am quite behind because of work but I am hoping to catch up in that weird few days between Christmas and New Year, and the beginning of January - with a lot of determination. I left my retail job and took a seasonal position at another, and that has just ended; fingers crossed I end up getting a permanent job, but I am glad to have a little break to focus on studying if I am going to be honest.

Lately on my mind has been trying not to be overwhelmed with life, and upset that a blossoming friendship I thought would be there for life sort of died. No reason on my end, I was just slowly not spoken to anymore... very hurtful, but the friendship was new so I can't ask. It's been weeks since we've spoken - months maybe? - and it's on my mind a lot. I go from thinking maybe I did something wrong, said something weird - to no, it's their fault - to maybe it simply isn't anyone's and that is just life. I don't know. It just really sucks to think you've made a new friend, someone you can chat to, laugh with, share stories about you life and personal stuff with no judgement for it to just... fizzle. I tried really hard, but it takes to to maintain a friendship.

Oh well. As the days go on, I will feel better, and they will not cross my mind anymore. As you may have guessed from the tone of this entry I am feeling rather flat. I am looking forward to a nice, relaxing boxing day while I mull over some obtainable new year's resolutions.

Until next time.

So... it's been a while huh? But so many good things have happened, so I feel the tone of my journal will change for the better.

First things first, I completed and handed in my final assignments for my degree and... I got a 2:1 I am SO happy! Considering I started during covid, a house move, personal problems, adjusting to new meds and being diagnosed with anxiety and OCD... I am so proud of myself. I now have a Bachelor of Arts (Honours) in Arts and Humanities (English Language) and I can't believe it... I will have to book graduation soon so I hope I'm able to get tickets as it's first come first serve an I don't want to wait! Plus I also need to find out about photographers and graduation gowns... :)

I applied a couple of days ago to study an MA in Applied Lingusitics with Open University... fingers crossed! Am I crazy? Yes.

Another nice nugget of news is that I have a job, and have done for a few months. Retail, and I've met some lovely people through it I would consider friends. It's been great for my anxiety, mental health, self confidence... and having more money helps! It's really been a good but mad few months - if you'd have told me a few months ago this is where I would be I wouldn't have believed you one bit. Plus, the Sertraline is working absolute wonders for me and I wish I would have started them sooner!

I'd like to pick up some hobbies, I have four more days off work and I want to tackle making (or starting to make) my neocities website. I also want to do more art and writing, and reading. I'm excited!

In other news, I've randonly become allergic to hair bleach, which is a travesty as I am always changing my hair colour. I've also had some problems with tomatoes, some cider flavours (???) and some materials, like my smart watch strap. So I'll have to book an allergy test for sure, but first I have a cervical smear so let's take it once step at a time haha.

I'm also absolutely hating the heat... Sertraline is making me drip with sweat and it's awful. I can't wait for autumn/winter!

Anyway, that's my big update. I hope to post more from now. I might make a post of my favourite gaiaonline avatars that I have made.

Until next time!

If there's one thing that's messing with me right now is how sleepy the sertraline is making me...
Glad I overcame the headaches and dry mouth, still having vivid dreams but I don't care as they're not scary and I am sleeping well at night. Still spacing out sometimes but not often.
I am not sure if I have noticed anything different in my anxiety and OCD. Maybe I feel a little better but not sure if it is a placebo effect... We will see. Have been on half a tablet for a week and yesterday was the first day of a full tablet at 50mg, so I will need to make a follow up app with the GP to see how I am doing. 

I have my first therapy appointment today, I thought it would be over video call but I think it's actually telephone, but that's fine. It's later this evening between 6-7. I will see how it goes. It is exhausting divulging stuff about my anxiety and OCD over and over, but it may help. I really hope so. 
I'm just so sleepy all the time  I could nod off just writing this!

Something that's keeping me awake tho and something I love doing is going to the recent activity here and reading the latest entries and having a look at people's profiles. It's so much fun to see everyone's lives written out.

Difficult assignment was done and handed in - no idea how it is, if it's even remotely good but thank God I got through it. Will have to have an extension for my next assignment for the other module but it will be fine I think. Got the books today and my sister a birthday present (Pulp Fiction art poster) now not really sure what to do with the rest of my day...

Went to see Queen Rock Montreal in IMAX at my local cinema and it was FANTASTIC. To see it in such HD was mind blowing, I loved it. I wish they could do it with every Queen concert... ever. Me and P were the youngest there which I was surprised at as I know Queen have a lot of younger fans especially since Bohemian Rhapsody came out (the film.) Some people at the back of the cinema got up and danced which I loved. It was so much fun!

Until next time.

 Hello hello hello!

So, Christmas and New Year have been and they were lovely. I always feel very blessed at those times of the year with family, friends, food and presents. It's a great time that I look forward to every year!

In terms of mental health, things were moving so slowly and are now fairly quick. I didn't pick my meds up straight away (Sertraline) so I've been instructed to take half a pill (25mg) for a week then a whole pill for another week and see how I feel and check in with my GP. It's only been 3 days so far on half a pill and I woke today with a monster of a headache and felt a little space out but I've been taking it in the morning so I think I may switch it to bedtime. I didn't realise such a small dose would do this! But I looked it up and it seems so, and I've also seen a lot of people say that if you stick through the side effects for however long they last (luckily headaches seem to only be for about a week) then it's life changing. So I am looking forward to that!

In terms of therapy, On the 9th I had an initial phone assessment where I had to divulge my innards again - a little awkward but I was completely honest. I then had a therapy app booked for the following week! I was shocked and pleased by how quick this was. However the only available day I wasn't available so I changed it so it is now for the 24th. It's over a video call which I think is perfect for me - I won't be too anxious to leave the house.

I have 2 assignments due this month. First one I am finding super difficult so asked for an extension which is Monday (22nd) I looked on the FB group for the module and others are struggling too. I think, after about 3 days of trying to do some research and really thinking about the question I have a plan, so I will be writing over the weekend because tomorrow...

I'll be seeing the Queen live in Montreal live show at the cinema! As nice as seeing it at the BFI IMAX would've been I didn't fancy the travelling to central London for it, but of course I would've. Turns out it's at normal cinemas too so tomorrow I'll be seeing it with P! 7:30 PM and I am super excited, I remember years ago they did the same thing for their concert in Hungary - I went to my local cinema at the time to see Hungarian Rhapsody. I'm looking forward to it!

Last but definitely not least I've been watching Doctor Who, I got P a box set of season 1-4 (Eccleston on to Tennant) for Christmas (He really likes the first 4 seasons and that's what he stressed he wanted) and well,  can you say Doctor Who brain rot?! I am loving it, and sad the DVD's have come to an end but it's on Amazon Prime so we can continue. I feel a special interest forming, it's all I can think about at the moment. I never thought I would enjoy it as much as I have been! So far Eccleston is my favourite doctor but really he's on the same level as Tennant... I do wonder if that will change as I go on. I am honestly really loving it. I will be reporting back after watching season 5 and onwards. 

Apart from that not much else - P had 2 weeks off which was lovely and we chilled. Been watching a lot of Doctor Who and doing a bunch of studying. We went out to eat for my youngest niece's 13th birthday and that was nice too. After the 2 assignments are in I think I will spend Feb looking for a job, hopefully by the time I do (fingers crossed quickly) my meds and therapy would've kicked in nicely... Enough for me to function more normally. 

Until next time!

SO, where to go from last entry? I submitted my first two assignments for my modules and got great scores back that I'm happy with - so that's that. I have an assignment due on Jan 15th and another Jan 30th, but I've basically stopped studying for christmas now, minus some reading I need to do tomorrow, and maybe some assignment planning in that weird liminal space between xmas and new year (27th-30th)

Honestly, I am sick of studying and can't wait to be done for christmas, to just be able to fully enjoy the holidays. There's a little section that's prep for the second assignment that i need to do but I need to buy my set book, so that will have to wait which is fine.

I'm looking forward to christmas a lot as me and P will be alone for it - really looking forward to the food and the good vibes and the fact it's perfectly acceptable to crack open a can at 7AM. We're having P's father over for a few hours on boxing day, and we're spending new year's eve with my parents which I'm also looking forward to immensely. Just a few more days now!

But, my mental health has been on the decline for weeks - if not months - and one night I'd finally had enough, I made an appointment with my GP and had an appointment with a really nice doctor. Anyway, a garbled and awkward rambling chat later (on my part) general and health anxiety and OCD were the outcome. She wanted me to do a blood test to check to see if my anxiety was due to my thyroid, but my health anxiety is so intense (and stems from close family members in and outof hospital all my life from childhood) that it seemed unlikely, but I went with it. Had my bloods done, a full count, which was agonising for someone who suffers with really bad health anxiety lol. Anyway, I think they're okay (I'm able to check online as soon as they're in) just two out of the full count were in the red which I think points to anaemia? I don't have any symptoms of, well, any illness whatsoever (yeah yeah try telling my brain that most times I know) so I wonder if they'll do anything about that personally.

Made another request for an appointment today and the doc I spoke to is only in two days a week so Jan 3rd is when my follow up is, and she said after looking at my results I'd be put on sertraline (or maybe you know it as zoloft?) I have heard good things about it and I really hope it helps with my crippling health anxiety and the ocd that comes with it - the obsessive thoughts, intrusive thoughts, the compulsions, ruminating - I have to admit I did not know much about ocd but after she said about it I looked it up and wow - it matches me perfectly. I feel sad but validated, and I also referred myself for some therapy so in the new year I'm hoping to hear from that too. And I hope she gives me a prescription too so I can begin and finally be on the road to feeling a little better. My telephone appointment, like some sort of sick joke, is at 6:30AM. I think if she prescribes me something though I'll definitely get up and leave the house to get it so I can start it that day.

Anyway. I was thinking in the new year how much I want to do some more writing; I have a few ideas I want to write out, hell even fanfic, and I have an AO3 account too. Maybe NaNoWriMo? Studying kicks my ass but I am sure I can get some ideas out. I was thinking a substack and a new tumblr, even if no one reads it, though I really should make a *public* blog on it to sort of sell myself as some kind of writer... I feel a fraud typing that! Am I a writer? Can I just say I am? Fuck it, I'm a writer.

Anyway, apart from some more food bits to get for boxing day, christmas is ready. Presents wrapped and given, cards written and sent, alcohol obtained and christmas socks and jumpers waiting to be worn. I am feeling very festive this season and am hoping for a good christmas!

Oh and also I saw Ashnikko in concert at the ally pally, which was fantastic minus the crowd. I think it may have been the worst crowd ever, and I've been to a fair few concerts. Rude, pushing people with no care about the people around them. Oh well, still a fantastic show put on - a full 18 song set or so, amazing live singing and dancing from Ashnikko. I dunno, maybe I'm too old for a standing concert lol, so next time I think I'll pass unless there's seats for a concert. I'd love to go to the ally pally to see the darts though - which I wish I was watching at the mo but I don't watch tv unfortunately, maybe next year I'll pay for a subscription service or something? Not so sure how it works. Also gutted that Doja Cat tickets went on sale in December for next year. Who has the money! And London is the only show sold out so far. Ah, my heart...

Until next time :)

Hello, hello.

Another entry pretty close after my other one - I'd feel proud if I wasn't procrastinating. I'm working on my first assignment due on the 21st, then another is due the 27th. I've been holed up at my desk for the past week studying, reading, writing notes and finally now starting the process of the actual assignment, which is making a forum post and replying to at least two other posts, and then I'll move onto writing a short essay.

It's not too bad, though yesterday it felt like my brain went to mush and what I was writing was a load of shit, but I am also on my period and not feeling too great and feeling all too tired, so I gave myself some grace. I did want to finish all of part A yesterday (the forum stuff) but I managed to write my post and respond to one other person, so just one more to do today, then maybe I'll do some gentle essay planning ready for tomorrow.

I don't feel like I'm feeling too fantastic at the moment, but I do think it's to do with my period so I will cut myself some slack. I also haven't eaten anything today so that might be contributing to how I feel. I'm excited because at the weekend P is getting the christmas decorations from the garage and we're decorating our house (I do not care if you think it's too early, when you've been holed up in front of your desk for at that point two weeks with non stop study and an awful period, you cling to the small things in the end) so I'm really looking forward to that. We've done great picking out presents and we're going out sometime this week to get the first part of the christmas food as well.

Not long now until Ashnikko and before that the christmas market. But until then it's two assignments and then I can breathe until January.

It's been rainy and gloomy here, really quite dark, which is nice. Also a lot colder so the heater in here has been working overtime.

We also watched Doctor Who, the first series with Christopher Eccleston as the Doctor (P has seen a lot of Doctor Who and me - none!) and I do have to say I did really enjoy it. We'll definitely be getting more DVD's to watch so I can go through each Doctor. As someone who knows absolutely nothing about it and has never watched it before I do really recommend it, it's a lot of fun and a joyous time capsule seeing as it was made in 2005 (I loved looking at the old shops and technology - and the notion of going to someone else's house to use their computer because you don't have one!)

Anyway, I really should get back to the assignment. I'll probably post again when the decorations have been up and we've been out and (fingers crossed) one out of two assignments have been posted. I love rambling here.

Oh and I'm also learning Welsh on Duolingo. The title is Welsh for "I'm tired." I'm really enjoying that and am on a 46 day streak so far. I've joined a bunch of groups on Facebook as well as a weekly newsletter (about different Welsh words) as I really would like to learn it properly and be able to speak it. It's amazing to read something in Welsh and actually understand it, and when I watch Pobol y Cwm I can pick up on words and chunks of sentences which is exciting. And one day I hope I'll be able to watch with no subtitles.

Until next time!

Argh, I fell off the wagon updating my journal.
There's a lot I want to write about, things I've done and memories I want to keep but it'll take a good chunk of my time to sit and write a big master post of fun and nice things I did in September/October (and some things I've done at the end of August, too.)

I will write about them, but not too sure when. I suppose uploading pics to Instagram for memories will have to suffice for now.

In other news, my health anxiety has been through the roof - it has made life unbearable. I haven't told anyone this as I don't want anyone to worry, and I am coping absolutely fine, but after a meeting with my niece as she visited through London last week I'm thinking maybe I should go and see a doctor about it all. I'm even anxious to do that (ha, ha) but needs must. I don't really want to go through my thirties with this rotten brain - I'd like to pick it apart and plant fresh seeds amongst all the rot and make it more manageable.

I'm also drowning in uni work at the moment. Two modules is hardcore fulltime study, and deep down I know I need a job, and yes I'm applying for them, but I'm actually really worried how I would cope with full time study and work. I will have to see what comes up - so far no luck. I was hoping something seasonal would open up near me but I've heard nothing. Oh well. I'll keep applying and doing my uni work and keeping my head down.

Christmas is fast approaching, which is exciting. Halloween was a nice slow pace, and me and P celebrated 6 years together with a nice dinner and some cider and opening the door to trick or treaters which we loved - the children are so polite and sweet. I love decorating the windows and front door for them at Halloween. There weren't as many as last year, which was a shame, but it was still fun. I'll have to think about Christmas presents soon.

That's all for now before P gets home from work - I've done a tonne of studying today and even though he's off work tomorrow I'll have to do some then as well. On Sunday I'll be going to my parents for my sister's 40th birthday which will be nice - I got her a personalised bracelet with her name and birth stone - I'm hoping she likes it.

I've missed rambling here to myself about everything! I will try my hardest to fit in a couple of posts a week.

Until next time!

Glad to be back on Dreamwidth. I'm looking forward to rambling here about whatever goes on in my life.

Speaking of my life, I'm so happy that about half an hour I ago I submitted my assignment for creative writing! One more to go and I'll have a diploma. Two more modules starting October and next year I'll have a degree. It's absolutely mad to think about.

Anyway, I've been enjoying using the internet like I did when I was a 13 year old let loose on the laptop for the first time - people have neocities sites! I love that! I'm thinking about making myself one, but I'm not sure what I really have to offer. Maybe my writing if I can get better at it? I also just think it's a lot of fun :) that reminds me, I better check my Gaia for the day!

Hopefully I will post regularly, as I really need to get into writing more frequently.

I am so glad my assignment is done though. It was such a slog. Looking forward to doing nothing but read a whole book tomorrow curled up on the sofa lol.